Since when is my name a synonym for head?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
