She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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