I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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