Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
