you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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