Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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