i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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