And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
