You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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