you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
