They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
