Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
