im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
