u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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