So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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