it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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