Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
