He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
