Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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