I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i may or may not be watching the land before time
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
