My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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