barbara walters just said penis...
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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