You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
