i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize