sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Randomize
