I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
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