happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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