her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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