I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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