my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
