It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
