Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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