I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
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All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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