So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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