Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
