Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Someone shattered a urinal.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Randomize
