i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
