its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
