I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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