someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
