i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
