So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
