You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
