checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
