I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
