Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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