you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
