I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Actions speak louder than pants.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
