On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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