the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
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Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
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Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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