Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
