Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Welp...herpes.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
