He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
