oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
