I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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