I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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