Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
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I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
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Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
do nipples grow back?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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