At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
