I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
she peed on how many people?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
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