Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
