I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
