Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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